Hey there Hawks, ‘tis November. The month for being thankful, and for being a colonist. Everyone had those assignments in elementary school relating to Thanksgiving somehow, from doing those weird hand turkeys to making pilgrim hats. Most of all, we were told to acknowledge the things we were thankful for.
So, of course, what would be more fitting in this column than talking about the things we dislike? We surveyed a group of high school students (our leadership staff) on what their dislikes are. Some of these dislikes are very reasonable, others can be considered a bit irrational. For example, our sports editor shared his strong dislike for the letter “C” (that one was particularly hurtful).
To start off, slow walkers. There are a lot of slow walkers out there. We think they should be charged with loitering, because they move so slowly that they practically aren’t moving at all. Do slow walkers even know that they’re slow walkers? One of us (not to name any names) is a very anxious walker. Now, there’s nothing wrong with walking slowly per se. If you like to meander from place to place, not a single thought of urgency to get to your destination or a looming fear of being late in your head, by all means, you do you. However, if you are in a crowded place where most of the people there have somewhere they need to be, like passing periods between classes, then you should reconsider your life choices.
People who chew with their mouths open. That’s vile. Imagine sitting near someone who is chewing with their mouth wide open, maybe even talking while doing so, little bits of food flying out of their mouth with each word. If even a microscopic amount of food splatters on you, everyone in that room needs to be evacuated. Or when a serving of food is being shared amongst multiple people, and someone licks their fingers and grabs more of the food with their moist fingertips? That’s just sinister.
The smell of broccoli. We actually like eating broccoli, it’s a very solid vegetable, maybe even our favorite. But cooking it emits such a pungent smell that it burns nostril hairs. Sometime last week, in the halls of Terrace, it smelled like unwashed booty. The source of the smell was unknown, until a little birdie mentioned what the chef class was up to that week. I guess they were cooking something involving broccoli (if that’s not true then our apologies for the incrimination). Either way, the smell that was lingering in the halls only solidified our stance on this. But the scrumptious outcome of the cooking process almost makes up for the smell.
Beaches and sand. Specifically Washington beaches. They’re painful because of the seashells, barnacles, and dead fish carcasses that you constantly step on, and very slimy because of all the seaweed that washes up on the shore from the depths of the even slimier water. And it’s always cold so the sand isn’t even soft, just freezing and rocky. If you wear shoes, then you always end up with sand in your shoes, and if you don’t wear shoes then you will still end up with sand in your shoes because you have to eventually put your shoes back on. The idea of beaches is lovely. We love the water, swimming can be fun and they do look beautiful. Like, if it were required, we would still go to a beach.
Zoë Teran. It’s her birthday today as we’re writing this. Zoë is our archnemesis, as well as one of our staff members. If you too know Zoë Teran, our deepest condolences.
Normal oranges. Not like tangerines or mandarin oranges, those small ones are fantastic. No, we mean just regular-sized oranges. The peel is always too thick. You’re left sitting there digging your fingers into this rind that feels as though it’s inches thick. And for what? To taste a piece of fruit that is less flavorful and more filled with seeds? It’s like walking a hundred miles to get punched in the stomach. And when you finally manage to get the peel off, you’re left peeling the pith (the white, stringy, spongy substance that’s right below the peel that always gets stuck to your fingers and under your nails). The orange is also less practical to carry around. If you were to put it in your lunch box, it would take up a lot more room than a single tangerine or mandarin orange. That room could be used for superior fruits, like two tangerines or mandarin oranges. While we’re on the topic of fruits, red delicious apples are gross. Yes, we know that sentence sounds really contradictory, but that’s only because “delicious” is the official name, and a pretentious one considering they don’t live up to it at all. Red delicious apples are the really dark red ones. It’s hard to describe how they taste, but let’s just say they taste like unhappiness.
When someone holds the door open for you when you are nowhere near the door. This sounds really ungrateful, but we’re only bringing it up because of the stress. The person holding the door open for you has to stand there and wait until you’re at the door, which inevitably compels you to start speeding up, maybe even reaching a light jog. Or when you’re far away from the crosswalk and a car slows down for you way before you’re even crossing. Sometimes we’ll even purposefully slow down or pretend to turn down a different street just to avoid the awkwardness of crossing in front of a car. But if they slow down, and you also slow down, then you end up having to speed up, and then whoever is behind the wheel will probably be able to tell that you were purposefully slowing down just to avoid crossing in front of them. It’s a horrible, awkward standoff.
Those are all the dislikes we can think of right now, maybe we’ll rehash this topic in the next issue (if we’re feeling especially bitter). But on a more positive note, we believe it’s just as important to acknowledge the things you’re thankful for. We are very thankful for our incredible staff in Hawkeye, and for the community here at Terrace. So when Thanksgiving day rolls around, don’t forget to think of what you’re grateful for, and make sure to stuff your face with some homemade apple pie, as long as it wasn’t baked with red delicious apples. Until next time, Hawks!
